ONWARD

When did the sense of adventure wane? Had I become so adult and responsible that maintaining the daily to-do list was my highest aspiration? Sure, what seems natural to so many women: creating a home with ambiance and fragrant food is a endless endeavor for me, demanding more than I have and even so, never accomplished. So why would it scare me to leave it behind?

Fresh home from the Amazon jungle, my pioneer husband and his exhilarated team were gushing over the beauty of the people, the night sky, the awareness of God there… Listening, my soul divided into the exterior, appropriate appreciation and an interior recoiling at the expressed expectation of me to follow suit.

I quickly developed a ready reply: “My calling is here; I already left my country and career behind, and I don’t speak enough Spanish.” Thankfully, the people in my world are genuinely respectful of the fact that only God should assign our comings and goings; “…To his own master he stands or falls. Indeed, he will be made to stand, for God is able to make him stand.” (Romans 14:4)

Freed from human pressure, my conscience became unsettled by quiet, consistent questions: ” Did you even ask Me?” – “Why are you so resistant to this?” – “Are you content to stop growing?” Still, too many balls in the air….I can’t think about it now…

Then, one sunny Sunday morning, I found myself in the company of a fellow pastor’s wife with similar responsibilities, reciting the exact objections that held me hostage: “I’m already too busy,” “By keeping the home-front running, I release my husband to go,” “My kids, my health, my responsibilities…” But she had pushed through. Her initial resistance, even while traveling, had lost its grip on her, and she was radiant as she described fresh freedom she found, not because of the jungle, but because of obedience.

And I knew I was facing an existential choice: Either stagnate in the comfort of a somewhat manageable life, which would result in spiritual and emotional atrophy – or decide, as for the first time, to be bound only to His will, holding all else in an open hand. Interrupting my dear friend, I burst out like a bird from a constrictive cage; “Me, too! I want the adventurous obedience back, where nothing matters but to go where He sends me.”

Relief.

Pilgrimage is our calling. Guided by our bright Morningstar through the turbulent waters of this life, our Anchor is behind the veil. When I mistook my temporary harbor for a permanent dwelling, my soul shrunk and darkened as it self-protectively turned its back on the Light. Gently, He called me back, and leads me onward. I look up.

“Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You’ve never failed and You won’t start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior”
~ “Oceans” by Hillsong United