YOU ARE MORE LOVED THAT YOU KNOW

Take a deep breath. Inhale that notion.
And notice the voices that almost immediately rise to contradict the sacred truth that you are His Beloved.

– Maybe if I was funnier, she’d want me closer as her friend. – Maybe if I looked more like (fill in the blank), he would be more attentive. – What will it take to please my mom? Can’t she see I’m trying? – What does he expect…Super Woman?

Seamlessly, sometimes the longing for affection becomes anger or resentment. For some, the one we believe should satisfy us bears the brunt; others accuse the one in the mirror: “Why can’t you just be what they want?!” Like a carousel spinning out of control in a horror movie, faster and faster, the music shrill and everything distorted, they fuel each other with hellish fury until someone flies off the handle.

What if it is just that; a nightmarish lie, a funhouse mirror misshaping of a sweeter reality? In my experience, it usually is.

After five glorious years working with teenagers, not my own, I am stunned at their consistent desire to not just please their adults but to delight us. Afforded the luxury to meet them in deeper places than the surface of their often overflowing schedules, I’ve been granted the privilege to discover some of the beauties of their longings – to inspire admiration in us, – to be seen and embraced in their uniqueness, not just by their peers, but by we, who are still responsible for them, – and to soften our often frowning faces with joy because their souls matter more to us than their performance.

But I am also the parent whose stomach churns at the responsibility of preparing them for adulthood. Test scores, college applications, work ethics, character development… “The real world” we call it, though I increasingly question that notion. Are not their eternal spirits more real than our ever-changing work/education pursuits? No, I’m not making the case for laissez-faire parenting in any form – just the opposite. I am admitting that in my quest for my daughter’s external validation, I misread and thus neglected her inner world.

I perceived my attempts to motivate her to a discipline that more resembles mine (a painful confession), as an act of love which she shrugged off. From her perspective, I was ever fault-finding, never acknowledging her efforts. The merry-go-round spun out of control as I spoke increasingly from that hopeless feeling of being dismissed, and she heard the shrill voice of an unappeasable accuser berating her: “You will never be good enough.”

All along I adored her and she longed for my affirmation, but neither of us truly trusted that. Distorted by perceived animosity, we lost sight of the compassionate affection motivating our abrasive behaviors. We had no idea how loved we were.

Few people do.
And yet, they are. We are.

Twenty-two years of raw ministry has convinced me that most conflicts involve honest attempts and good intentions from all involved. So why do we find ourselves entangled in suspicions and hurts and whatever our usual traps are?

Think of your typical triggers. Don’t they point back to the painful experiences in your past? Something so threatened the life of your soul that you vowed, “Never again.” The self-protective mechanisms now react when anything remotely resembles that experience, and your loved ones unknowingly enact some of the behaviors of that original enemy. So you react. Nobody wants this and nobody wins.

Excellent books abound, teaching us the necessary skills of forgiveness, healing from past hurts, and discerning between safe people and predators. If you find yourself knotted in patterns of repeated frustrations, please do seek help via books, counseling, or support groups. Break free.

But perhaps all you need is the reminder that you are loved.
Tilt your head back, close your eyes, and exhale the tension. Taste this truth in your mouth and savor it. You are loved. Swallow it slowly.

Marvelously woven together in your mother’s womb, you are the beloved of your Creator!
He sings over you with divine delight. When you find yourself absorbed in that activity that makes you feel most alive, He is enjoying it with you. He made you for it. Your purpose!
Like a parent watching a toddler enjoying the simplicity of their young’s life, He is near you in every breath. Every new discovery. Every heart break.

“The Lord your God in your midst,
The Mighty One, will save;
He will rejoice over you with gladness,
He will quiet you with His love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
(Zephaniah 3:17)

And He died to conquer the frustrations of being imperfectly human. More than that, when He rose again, He wrestled death’s strangling choke from your life, first from your spirit, then gradually from your soul, and eventually from your body. Not to then tie you up again with rules and regulations, but so you could live free, twirling through life with your arms wide open, your senses alive and your heart forgiving. Unguarded.

You know this. I am just reminding you, so you can dance out of the clammy shadows of rejections and expectations and into the sunshine of tenderness. Open-hearted and deliberately vulnerable, love requires the oxygen of faith to breathe freely – faith that it’s always the better choice, faith that it’s worth the risk, and faith that the act of loving is more rewarding than being loved.

Nothing washes the soul like this, and as the grime evaporates our eyes begin to recognize the attempts (however dwarfed) of others at kindness towards us. Where rejection blinds us in self-protective fear, love looks through behavior to the heart. Fondness in all shapes and sizes grows there, and sometimes we just don’t know how to express it. Let’s meet on the common ground of grace.

“Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-8a)

No one has this in themselves. That’s the beauty; we love by faith and that makes us brave enough to taste how real and present Love is.

Suggested resources:
Celebrate Recovery Support group
Breaking Free – Beth Moore
Safe People – Henry Cloud
Changes that Heal – Henry Cloud
The Journey of Desire – John Eldridge
The Wounded Heart – Dan Allendar
The Meaning of Marriage – Tim Keller
Choosing Gratefulness – Nancy Leigh Demoss
Life of the Beloved – Henri Nouwen
The Return of the Prodigal Son – Henri Nouwen